Then, Out of Nowhere: Mountaintop

Irony. It’s the connective tissue between the events of life that turn on a dime to change one’s entire world.

These past two weeks my bouts of depression and dysphoria have been breaking through the efficacy of my anti-depressants.

I take them in the morning. And without fail, in the early evening around five, the meds dip down and they crawl back over the wall into my mind.

Fear. Bereavement for a lost life in an alternate parallel universe. Pain. Longing. “I’m going to kill my self.” And I say to me: “No I’m not.”

But death seems an easy escape.

No need for the 24/7 constant vigilance of putting up a front to remain hidden from the world. No need to despair the prospect of leaving a career at a company whose become family to me. No need to think that many in the churches I’ve served in, and that I now serve in may feel betrayed should I ever live out.

But, no—I’ve a life to live. A future to walk into. Do I? Do I really? #faithfullyLGBT folk online say, Yes! There’s a future for me—Sophia.

What future?

Then. Out of nowhere, I’ve been shown the promised land. I’ve been shown a vision of having been on the mountaintop (to echo the words of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Matthew Vines retweeted an article saying that Denver Community Church led by Pastor Michael Hidalgo was making a move for full inclusion LGBTQ+ people in their 1,500-member evangelical church. I remembered this pastor. He was Continue reading →

A Participation in Suffering

Friday night. After church. Sitting alone in my car. I could not stop the tears. Depression came over me like a wall of water—a tsunami wave. Exhausted I pulled the lever to adjust my seat and laid there, staring up at the ceiling of my car. There in the darkness, the only words God seems to whisper to me these past three years of my struggling with  gender dysphoria came to me again: I AM with you. Such puzzling, empty, infuriating words of comfort.

Then, out of nowhere a new understanding opened up in me:

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