Then, Out of Nowhere: Mountaintop

Irony. It’s the connective tissue between the events of life that turn on a dime to change one’s entire world.

These past two weeks my bouts of depression and dysphoria have been breaking through the efficacy of my anti-depressants.

I take them in the morning. And without fail, in the early evening around five, the meds dip down and they crawl back over the wall into my mind.

Fear. Bereavement for a lost life in an alternate parallel universe. Pain. Longing. “I’m going to kill my self.” And I say to me: “No I’m not.”

But death seems an easy escape.

No need for the 24/7 constant vigilance of putting up a front to remain hidden from the world. No need to despair the prospect of leaving a career at a company whose become family to me. No need to think that many in the churches I’ve served in, and that I now serve in may feel betrayed should I ever live out.

But, no—I’ve a life to live. A future to walk into. Do I? Do I really? #faithfullyLGBT folk online say, Yes! There’s a future for me—Sophia.

What future?

Then. Out of nowhere, I’ve been shown the promised land. I’ve been shown a vision of having been on the mountaintop (to echo the words of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Matthew Vines retweeted an article saying that Denver Community Church led by Pastor Michael Hidalgo was making a move for full inclusion LGBTQ+ people in their 1,500-member evangelical church. I remembered this pastor. He was Continue reading →

The Center & the Fear

Went to an LGBT center for the first time in my life. The place is so cool. The smell of hope is there. Like, there’s an army of people here to help me and support me. Yet, I felt like some kind of traitor or spy among them (see, how I’m using the word, “them”?). Because all my life I’ve been taught that LGBT people were steeped in sin and somehow evil (if not in character, then in their mission — their gay agenda).

At the same time, I was so scared by the matter-of-fact way in which my intake person assumed I was there to start medically transitioning. I’m not ready for that yet. Sigh. Doesn’t help that two days ago, I spun into denial. Yet, at the same time that I was scared by my intake person’s matter-of-fact-ness, I longed for that. I wish that I, too, could Continue reading →

Mirror’s Scourge

This morning was a struggle to get ready to leave home. As soon as I walked into the bathroom, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Dysphoria in full swing. I stood there in front of the giant mirror, arms across my (flat) chest, my eyes shut, head turned downward — reeling in existential pain.

Help me! is always my silent cry to Jesus.

Then something strange happened: Continue reading →

Starts & Stops + Dry Heaves

I’ve been trying to come out to my best friend for a couple weeks now, even before I started this blog. I could never get time alone with him and his wife together. She’s a dear friend whom I love and respect as well.

Tonight  though, I thought was going to be the day. I wrote a letter that I would show to my friends on my phone. But it didn’t happen. I couldn’t get the two of them alone. Not really. Strange. I was moments away from showing my friend this letter and then the moment was intruded.

I suppose I’m looking for some kind of perfect moment. But there is no such thing. No such thing as Continue reading →