Today was the first day on an antidepressant. Some observations on what I’ve gained, what I didn’t know I had been living without these past few years, living in denial about the fact that I was clinically depressed.
- I noticed at the end of my work day that I was actually able to drive hard putting on finishing touches on a graphic design project under very high pressure—without really fizzing out. I only took one break
- I didn’t know I’ve been living with impaired cognitive abilities, that of making creative connections and problem solving
As soon as I got off work, I headed to church today for our “Hallelujah Night”—the Halloween alternative church program that was coined in the 1990s amongst Asian churches in SoCal.
- There, I noticed I could better handle the social anxiety-inducing situation of being amidst the hubbub of happy children running high on sugar and their parents who are high on their kids’ happiness
- Of course towards the end of the night, it got to be too much so I had to find a place to hide and be alone in the silence
The evening ended around 10PM and I noticed myself becoming very tired and drowsy. And I thought: “Good, I hope to be asleep before 2AM.”
- I had become an insomniac due to depression, going to bed at 1AM and many nights pushing till 3AM-4AM
- Perhaps my tiredness is a sign that my sleep is being restored to me (fingers crossed)
Here’s a caveat: at the end of tonight, when I came home, I felt depressed, but I couldn’t feel its full weight. It’s strange. Like trying to breathe but not breathing. Like trying to drink water, but only getting drops. I think the antidepressant is suppressing my depressive feelings—masking it.
This means I’m still depressed, I think. Yet, the medicine is helping me get through a full work day which requires me to be on my best mental capacity to create and produce art.
Let’s see where this rabbit hole goes next. Meanwhile I’m grateful that I’m one of those who are seeing the benefits of taking antidepressants so immediately.